Michael Bay diarrhea
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
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