just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
