Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
