Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
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