I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
