im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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