I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
