just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
