What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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