Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
