I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
