Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
