Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
