I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
