in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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