Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Don't tell me you're on acid again
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