The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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