Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
