Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
