I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
