That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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