WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
It's rum buckets o'clock
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I have already put on my inside pants.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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