now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
