Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
