When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
