During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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