How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
