I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
