Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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