I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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