You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
