I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I cut my penus on the lid.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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