i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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