"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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