I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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