i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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