Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
