The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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