why didn't you poke me back
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
