Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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