I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
