i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
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