party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
