Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(312): View more from Illinois

Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

we're making bets on your personal life

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(678): View more from Georgia

Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic

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(260): View more from Indiana

just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.

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(407): View more from Florida

Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?

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(813): View more from Florida

If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.

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