Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
