I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
