I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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