dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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