i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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