I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
