For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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