I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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