Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
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I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
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It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
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