OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
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I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
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