i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
