hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
