she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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